Mayor Bloomberg (Photo nydailynews.com)
Mayor Bloomberg (Photo nydailynews.com)

Dear Ex-Mayor Bloomberg:

I’ve slipped on my normally punctual Thank You notes, so I hope you’re not offended if I consolidate all of my belated Thank You’s into one letter.

Thank you. For…
Preventing me from drinking that large Coke. If I had, I might have burped, and ruined my chances to be invited to the next debutante ball.

Thank you. For…
Continuing to help us out in other cities and states. I was a little concerned that your duties as Mayor of New York might limit your time and ability to lend you assistance elsewhere, but now that you’re retired, you have plenty of time.

Thank you. For…
Spending all that money in Colorado to fight the recall elections. It didn’t work out for you, but I bet it gave you a great tax deduction on your Aspen ski condo.

Thank you. For…
Picking the dregs of the political world to help with your MAIG efforts. We can’t normally find that type of entertainment. Except for White House press briefings of course.

Thank you. For…
15% of your member Mayors quitting over the past year. Now they’ll have more time to engage in profitable activities like extortion, embezzling and child pornography.

Thank you. For…
Letting us know, that if we ever confront any of your Mayors, not to try to apprehend them ourselves. Because they might be armed and dangerous.

Thank you. For…
Helping us all understand the criminal justice code by having your members demonstrate all the serious crimes. Like corruption, extortion, theft, perjury, child pornography and molestation, bribery, battery, assaulting police officers, obstruction of justice and tax evasion – to name a few. How else would the rest of us know how not to behave?

Thank you. For…
Orchestrating that illegal private gun buying sting operation that broke federal and state laws, while interfering with 18 federal investigations. The FBI hasn’t been very busy recently, and welcomes the confusion.

Thank you. For…
Driving nearly 160 Mayors our of your organization over the past year. Because you’re just creepy.

Thank you. For…
Surrounding yourself with armed guards, while promoting disarmament of Average Joe citizens. We’d almost forgotten that you’re just like us. Only better.

Thank you. For…
Evolving your group to keep up with the times. The new group, Mayors Against Legal Governing (MALG) is much more hip.

All the best,

Tom