There are a lot of ways to start a bar fight. You could start talking to the girlfriend of a outlaw biker, or you could walk into a Tuscaloosa bar on a Saturday night after the Iron Bowl and yell “War Eagle!”  Too esoteric?  Here are a few other ways to get the cue sticks swinging.

There have probably been thousands of beers spilled, and more than one head cracked, during arguments about guns. Various pistols, rifles and ammunition all have remarkably devout followers. Would you believe that in some towns, city ordinance requires men take off their hat and observe a moment of silence when the name of John Moses Browning is mentioned?  Well, I can’t prove it, but my Uncle Jimmy’s cousin said he heard…  I guess you see where this is going.

Without further ado, here are my favorite gun arguments to really get people riled up.

1911 vs. Everything – A 1911 pistol can be one of the finest shooting handguns you’ve ever held, or it might be a jam-o-matic. It doesn’t matter. It was designed by JMB (a moment of silence) and carried by US Marines – that’s all the proof that some folks need that it is the first and last word in combat pistols.

Heretics who carry plastic pistols should steer clear of the 1911 crowd when in polite company. Ultimately, that conversation will denigrate to “Yeah, but your gun will melt if you leave it in a hot car.” If drinking is involved, one party might offer to show another the superior capabilities of the 1911 for pistol whipping. Best not ask for a demonstration.

Caliber vs. Caliber – Did you know that a .45 ACP round will knock a man into the next county even if you just “wing him.”  Yup.

There are various theories on stopping power based on research and experiment.  Yet somehow all of that if for naught, because Bubba intuitively knows that the .45 is better than the 9mm.  Of course, Bubba’s cousin, Roscoe, believes the .357 Magnum is a more potent manstopper than the .45.  Twenty-or-so stitches later, neither one of them is any closer to convincing his relative of the superiority of his pet load.

As a firearms instructor once told me “mo power is mo better.”  Uh, right.

Revolver v. Semi-Auto – Staying with the handgun theme, the classic wheelgun versus autoloader argument is still around. No doubt, there are fewer revolver advocates now than in decades past, but that just means only the really tough wheelgunners are left to argue with. Experience has made them treacherous; you really should avoid them.

You should also note that the revolver vs. semi-auto pistol argument will often touch on the caliber argument also.  If, by chance, you are carrying a 1911 when you run across a revolver enthusiast…well, just sit with your back against the wall.  Revolver guys tend to move in packs.

Shotgun v. Rifle – I don’t care if you are talking home defense or deer hunting in the close brush of southern Georgia, the shotgun vs. rifle argument is bound to raise the hackles of many a gun owner. Granted, it is less likely to get you frequent flier points with the local ambulance service than some of the other arguments, but these debates can still get heated.

There are sub-arguments in the larger debate also. For example, you could be a plain “idget” for stoking your scattergun with birdshot instead of buck to protect your home and hearth. And as a throwback to the caliber argument, steel yourself for the inevitable .308 vs. .30-06 debate.  Some reference to Patton and the M1 Garand will be invoked during that argument.

Just remember, don’t argue with that guy next to the juke box when he says just the sound of racking a shotgun will send every footpad and brigand running from your front porch.

Now you might think that this whole article is a little tongue-in-cheek, and you might be right. But all I’ma saying is get the additional AFLAC coverage at work before engaging someone too seriously in one of these arguments.  Wars have started over less.