Couple Tripping On Bath Salts Mistakes Fireflies For Alien Lasers, Return Fire

Couple Tripping On Bath Salts Mistakes Fireflies For Alien Lasers, Return Fire
In this Jan. 26, 2011, photo containers of bath salts, a synthetic cocaine, sit on a counter at Hemp's Above in Mechanicsburg, Pa. Synthetic substances that mimic marijuana, cocaine and other illegal drugs are making users across the nation seriously ill, causing seizures and hallucinations so intense that thousands of them seek help at emergency rooms. At the request of The Associated Press, the American Association of Poison Control Centers analyzed nationwide figures on calls related to synthetic drugs. The findings showed an alarming increase in the number of people seeking medical attention. (AP Photo/The Patriot-News, Chris Knight) MANDATORY CREDIT
(AP Photo/The Patriot-News, Chris Knight)


Some people are just stupid. I’d like to say they aren’t, but the facts are clear. Some people are just idiots who do stupid things.

For example, some people take bath salts despite the knowledge that this stuff actually makes people go nuts. They know this, do it anyway, then start tripping out and making a mess of things generally.

Kind of like this couple who illustrated precisely how not to be a gun owner.

A Pennsylvania man high on bath salts told police last week that he fired a gun at fireflies because he thought the glowing insects were “alien lasers,” authorities said.

Police said Jesse Shields and his girlfriend, Katherine McCloskey, believed the fireflies were “messing with them” and wanted to scare them off.

After firing the gun, Shields, along with McCloskey, ran away from the insects and broke into two homes, frightening the owners in Clinton County, Pennsylvania. Shields told the second homeowners that he was being attacked, and they needed to call 911, the Harrisburg Patriot News reported.

If this dynamic duo is are our best hope in the event of an alien invasion, we’re boned.

Besides, everyone knows an alien invasion will target Will Smith first. It’s only natural since he’s clearly the greatest thorn in the side of any alien threat. (See also: Independence Day, Men In Black movies)

Seriously, though, this should never have happened. Why anyone would do these bath salts is beyond me. At least this time, no one was hurt. That’s a solid win right there.

There’s no mention of how the guns were obtained, whether Shields and McCloskey had previous run-ins with the law or not, or anything else. If not, then the guns may have been perfectly legal at the time.

Of course, that’s probably not the case anymore. The two allegedly broke into homes. That’s a felon each, and that means no more guns for the rest of their lives, which I’m actually fine with. Anyone who does something like this deserves what happens.

To be clear, it’s bad enough that they discharged a firearm at what they somehow thought were “alien lasers.” It’s that they then put other people at risk in their delusional state that bothers me the most.

Truth be told, the pair are lucky they didn’t get shot themselves, which would have been perfectly justified. This happened in Pennsylvania, and that’s a state that doesn’t require people to retreat if they’re in their own homes. In other words, Shields and McCloskey could easily have been killed because of their state and the homeowners would have walked, as they should.

All because these two rocket scientists wanted to ingest a chemical that was known to alter people’s perception of reality to such a radical degree.

If that had happened, I know for a fact that I’d be unable to muster the least little bit of sympathy for either of these two. I don’t care what you do to your own body, but you’re responsible for the outcome of that. If that means you’re stupid and get your butt shot, that’s all on you.

However, they also discharged a firearm at something that wasn’t a threat, and I doubt they knew precisely what was beyond their targets, meaning they put others at risk.

I sincerely hope the prosecutor throws the proverbial book at them for this one.